Maybe
it’s the political season, maybe it’s my age, maybe I am out of
touch, but I cannot grasp the concept that lying is an acceptable
trait or behavior. I don’t mean the bold, blatant bald face lies
that everyone knows is wrong. I mean the subtle little innuendos
that are the mainstay of sane, rational adult conversations these
days. I heard a business man say that being late on an assignment is
no big deal; that it is commonplace in the ‘real world’. There
also are those who say they will be at a certain place or occasion,
only to just not show up. When asked later, they normally respond
that they forgot.
According
to Webster, to lie is to make a statement that one knows is false,
especially with the intent to deceive; to give a false impression or
action or false statement, especially with the intent to deceive; to
make a false statement in order to evade the truth; and is an
invention of a false story or excuse in order to deceive.
Almost
every week, someone approaches my wife or me with questions
concerning our beliefs and faith. Sometimes they see us while we are
out and about; sometimes they simply call on the phone. The
questions are valid and legitimate and we do our utmost to be up
front and respond as mature sensible adults, without excuse. So,
after we have explained our trek in this ‘calling’, they express
how thankful they are and how relieved they are. They most often
state that they have been searching for some truth to the Word,
without man’s distortion. We, of course, encourage them to research
the whole Bible (Old and New; Torah/Tanak/Brit, etc) for their self
and feel free to join us at Shul. Here
is where the lie comes:
After establishing the times of service and what to wear and can
anyone come, “I’ll
see you this Saturday”.
Saturday comes but they do not. Neither does a call to let us know
not to expect them.
We
hear this so often. Why say this when they know it is not true? Do
they not know about making oaths? Several years ago, one man told
me up front the truth: We have been acquaintances for many years. I
watched his children grow to adulthood; he tells anyone who will hear
how the truth is spoken at KHM. One night, several years ago, I
asked after a thrilling discussion of Scripture, “Will I see you
this Shabbat?” His reply – when football moves to Sunday! I
loved his honesty! He was up front and within his belief. A shining
example of Col.
3:9-10
– Never
lie to one another; because you have stripped away the old self, with
its ways, and have put on the new self, which is continually being
renewed in fuller and fuller knowledge, closer and closer to the
image of its Creator. He
has moved and I don’t see him anymore, but I wonder how he would
answer now; -- now that he has gained fuller and fuller knowledge.
Some
philosophers debate the difference between lying and false beliefs;
some say anything that is not true is a lie – others adhere to the
thought that if a person believes something, even if it is not true,
is not lying when their opinion is verbally expressed. To call
someone a liar is a very strong statement. It does not limit itself
to the verbal expression. Calling someone a liar labels everything
about them. However, bringing someone’s attention to their
behavior being incongruent with their verbal expressions can
strengthen them, when
they are receptive to feedback.
Proverbs
10:19 tells us that when we talk excessively, we set ourselves up for
transgression. We are cautioned to minimize our words. Thus, our
walk and our talk will be congruent. We must learn to inventory our
vocabulary. When we use a word, do we know what it means? Even
though we have been speaking for many years, and have a super
education, etc. do we really know what we are saying? Listen to
those about you, especially when in a crowded place. Hear the
expressions they are using. Most of us use that which we heard in
early development. This caution, for me, is vital in reciting rote
prayers. My vocabulary does not include some of the words in very
old texts.
Simple
expressions such as… “I swear..this and that"; Yeshua says it
is better not to swear anything in order to avoid being guilty of not
keeping your promise or word. There are two common expressions I
find amusing. The first is; “I’ll
tell you the truth….”
Does this mean until now it has all been a charade? Yeshua said let
your yes be yes and your no be no. In other words, don’t waste
words. Avoid the inadvertent transgression. The other is, when
someone sees me unexpectedly in a public place and they begin the
contact with; “Oh
my goodness, I was just thinking about you and have a note to give
you a call.”
There is nothing I can say about this. Can it be true? Why would
there be doubt in my mind?
Several
years ago, while active in a counseling career, I would do various
workshops for cognitive restructuring. Most of the encounters were
fun and uplifting; some were extremely challenging. However, one of
the classes I held focused on lying and green beans. For years the
Green Bean Theory was the most receptive and eye opening class. The
following synopsis explains it.
Setting the stage
for future disaster; A little deception
goes a long way. Suppose you just met someone and you want to know
them more. You arrange to have a small dinner and you fix a simple
but flavorful meal. During the course of passing the food, along
come the green beans. Your guest dishes some up with the other foods
and no big deal. The two of you eat, enjoy and find a mutual
relationship. Time goes by, the inevitable happens. You both fall
in love and marry.
Ten years later things
aren’t going so good. The two of you are screaming at each other
and threatening to split. In the heightened verbal altercation, you
hear “And another thing… I hate green
beans. I have always hated green beans. I can’t stand your green
beans.” Wow! Is
this what started the differences? Were we
separating before we even got to know one another? Why did someone
pretend to like green beans all these years? What would have been
wrong on the first visit, when offered the beans, to simply say
“Thank you but I don’t care for green beans?”
Of course, the green beans
are just a metaphor for anything we may or may not care to engage in.
Honesty up front usually opens for a heartfelt dialog. Honesty of
the heart. What if the other party takes offense? Ask yourself –
what future relationship do you believe you would have if someone
could be offended by your honesty; if you were not petitioned for
input to the plan and you did not condemn or attack the other party?
You only stated that which affected you. Nothing about green beans
being yucky or wrong…just that you don’t care to participate in
the green bean portion. Is this just too complicated? There is no
right or wrong party here. What we have is “not a good match”.
Finding out early on makes life more bearable later.
As a side note: A
participant came to speak with me about a year after her group
involvement. She said she wanted me to know that she and her husband
keep a can of green beans in the car front seat, and a can on the
table in the house. She told me it has made a big difference in
their communications and they do not have to even mention the beans.
Communicating honestly
with one another does require forethought. We do not want to
belittle or put down. Using tact and kindness goes a long way.
Always keep in mind, if you have nothing to defend, then don’t
become defensive. Sometimes just standing down and giving the other
person space to hear themselves does wonders. From that, learn to
get rid of the attacking expression; “I told
you so.” As mentioned earlier, the fewer
the words, the less opportunity for transgression. Let the actions
do the speaking. Show kindness without explaining how kind you are.
According to Zechariah
8: 16-17 (CJB) we are told by YHVH ‘These
are the things you are to do: speak the truth to each other; in your
courts, administer justice that is true and conducive to peace;
don’t plot harm against each other; and don’t love perjury; for
all these are things I hate,’ says YHVH.
So simple. Why didn’t I
think of that? No need to answer that…….thanks.
Heavenly Father, please
continue to guide us and strengthen us to be a light for You. Help
us to help others who seek the truth of Your Word. We want to always
welcome others to come and join in the dance. As a child wrote the
other day, “When words aren’t enough, dance!” For me and my
house, we choose to follow You. We want to be a positive influence
without brow beating. We want to be an example more than a lecture.
You are awesome and wonderful in Your caring ways. Please don’t
stop. In Yeshua’s magnificent Name, Amein.
Shalom for now…
Pinchas,
a/k/a Frankly
speaking all the time
